Do mothers automatically get custody?

Nope. Let's talk about why.

This is one of the most common myths about custody—almost every day I hear someone say they assume the mom always gets custody.

Not in Alabama.

While that may have been true decades ago, it isn't how our courts decide custody today.

Where did the automatic custody myth come from?

For many years, Alabama followed something called the Tender Years Doctrine. The idea was that children, especially babies and toddlers, were generally better off in their mother's care. Courts assumed mothers were the more appropriate caregivers for young children.

In the early 1980s, the Alabama Supreme Court held in Ex Parte Devine that the Tender Years Doctrine violated the Equal Protection Clause—that is, it discriminated against men. Since then, our courts have evaluated custody based on the parent able to provide care in the best interests of the child, without regard for which parent is Mom or Dad.

So how is custody decided in Alabama now?

Courts focus on one very broad question: What is in the best interests of the child?

That sounds simple enough, but it's actually a very detailed analysis based on the facts of your individual case. That means that your friend's sister's cousin's hairdresser's outcome won't necessarily be your outcome.  No two cases are ever the same because no two families are the same.

The courts most commonly look at common factors that affect families:

• The ages and genders of the children
• Each parent's relationship with the children and the children's community
• The child's educational, physical, emotional, and social needs
• Each parent's ability to provide a safe and stable home
• Which parent has historically provided care on a day-to-day basis
• Each parent's work schedule, obligations, and ability to provide care for the children
• Each parent's ability to accommodate the children's educational, social, and extracurricular activities
• Each parent's mental and physical health as well as any history of substance use/abuse
• Each parent's willingness to coparent and foster healthy relationships with the child
• Any history of domestic violence, abuse, neglect, or criminal history
• If the child has a preference, given the child's age and maturity

No one factor decides the case.

Does this mean fathers have equal rights?

Sure does. But that doesn't mean the dad automatically gets equal custody. It means the dad has an equal right to presumed fitness. Let's break that down.

If you're the mom, it means you need to stay on your game. You won't be able to sail through court on the assumption that you'll get custody because you've wiped every runny nose and changed every diaper. You'll have to show dad didn't do it because he can't do it, not because he just didn't feel like it. You'll have to show that you are overall better suited to care for your children, not just that you have more practice.

If you're the dad, it means you need to pull your weight. Just because you have the ability to get equal custody doesn't mean you will—you must also show that you are ready, willing, and able to care for your children as well as, or better than, their mother. This means you need to step up and be involved in your children's day-to-day lives if you aren't already. Don't let mom handle every doctor's appointment and parent-teacher conference and assume you'll be treated like you showed up.

So who usually wins custody?

Honestly, nobody. Because the goal isn't to crown a winner and a loser—it's to craft an arrangement that works for your children and your family. Sometimes that means one parent gets physical custody and sometimes that means a joint custody arrangement, and in either case, the schedule can be as unique as your family.

The bottom line is this: if someone has told you that mothers automatically get custody, they're relying on outdated information and anecdotes. The law has changed.

If you're facing a custody dispute, the best thing you can do is focus less on old myths and more on presenting the facts that show why the arrangement you're seeking is in your child's best interests.

Every custody case tells a different story. I'd be happy to help you tell yours.